Addiction.

There. I said it. It's just a word, but it strikes the fear of God in me. It makes me feel shame. And guilt. And self deprecation. A ball and chain. Loss of choice. Darkness.
I've always had a sugar monkey riding on my back. A stupid, clingy sugar monkey. Probably named Mel. Mel is a buttmunch. We hate Mel. Happy? Turn to Mel. Sad? Mel's got the answer. Stressed out and ready to snap? Mel is always there for you. Depressed, anxious, angry or overwhelmed? Mel won't ever let you down. Mel has many many forms. He can bop you over the head in the form of a delicious vanilla cake with a beautiful layer of gorgeous buttercream on top. Or he'll drown you in a tall glass of ice cold Coke. Or choke you to death with Milk Duds (see what I did there?😆) crammed down your throat. Maybe it's that entire pack of Oreo's you downed in one sitting and had to throw it in the garbage can at a convenience store so your husband wouldn't see it when he got home from work. Whatever it is, Mel will always be there making sure that you believe that you can't think or breathe or function, unless you are shoving sugar down your throat all day long, day after day, week after week, year after year, forever. Sugar is the only thing that can comfort you when life gets hard. It's the only friend when you don't have friends. It keeps you tired, it keeps you sick so you don't have energy, so you don't have a social life so you don't make friends. It keeps you locked up in your cozy little prison of exhaustion and pain, twisting your thoughts and making you so tired that you can't make good decisions and all you want to do is sleep so you don't have to think about how pathetic you are. It keeps you wanting more. Always wanting  needing more.
I am done. I am tired. I am beaten. I have hit rock bottom. And so, I am finally and permanently breaking up with Mel. Yep. He and I are Splitsville. Just watch me. Just wait and see. This is gonna be awesome-sauce.